~~~ Mixed Feelins... Depressed... FUCKED UP... ~~~

It's abt 9.55pm now n ive jus fininshed dinner... *BuRp* Kekek... : ) seriously feel like pukin now... Argh... HeLp~~~ Its been a long time since i last ate this much for dinner.... had chicken, beef caserole, steamed mixed vege, my fav steam corn, baked beans n mushroom soup.... Goodness! I feel like puking oredi... : / N my mum was like sayin theres still mixed cocktail for desert! PiaNgz....

Did some chores n escaped to the study to update my blog... hehe... :P or else god noes wat my dad's gonna ask me to do next... kekek... Oops! Speakin of the devil... he's jus walked into the living room... Hee... : )

Anyway... like wat i said earlier, smeone reali did msg me aft i went offline.... GaRry! Of all pple... : ) glad he did though... hee... asked me wat i was doin n i said tt i jus updated my blog n was jus wondering wat to do. Kekeke.... Asked him wat he was doin at Kallang n he said to see the Kallang Rally Spring... Hmmm.... WoW! Must haf been great wat with all the cars there.... *SiGhz* Hee... always wanted to go there again since the last i went there but neva got the chance too.... *HmPf!!* Anyway according to him... "it was lousy. see until sian Me go race beta." Hee.... told him "Ok lor... U go race lor ;P den i go see..." Haha... exchanged a few more harmless sms... den i was like msgin him hmmm.... feel like i dun reali noe u now... its like we've bcme strangers to each other... n he was like y? dun like tt la dear... n i was like dun like tt? isnt it true? i tot i knew u but nw im doubtin myself... haiz...

Tink somewhere in between i must haf dozed off cos the next thing i knew... I heard my cousins voice... n it was almost 7pm... was talkin to my aunt n all den she was like askin abt my cheche's weddin n stuff... den i asked her wat she was gonna be wearing n she said she hasnt tot of it yet. Told her tt mummy was gonna be wearin her kebaya which she jus bought at Novena Sq on sat. Spent a bombshell on tt siaz! Told her the sarong looked almost like some weed thing.... haha.... in the end the 3 of us went upsyairs n mummy showed her the top... she was like Hmmm.... ok... not too bad... at least the top n sarong matches... haha.... mumm was like goin on n on abt the color n all... i was like ya ya... ive heard tt b4... nxt pls... :P

Told my aunt abt the 2 pairs of shoes i recently bought with RORO :P n she was like hmmm.... not bad... told her where the plc was n she was like I noe which store u're referin to... n said tt she recently had this seminar thingy at suntec n during her lunch breaks on one of the days, she n another teacher fren of hers gave some excuse tt they werent hungry n sneaked to do some shoppin... Ya rite Koko! Some crap excuse huh?! Haha... :P den they happened to be in tt same store n both of them say 2 pairs which they like but didnt get... n they psyched each other by sayin tt Nah we cant get it rite cos we haf the seminar to go back to n we were supposed to be only window-shoppin n not gettin anything... Hahaha.... RORO! I tink we haf to pyscho ourselves the next time we go out oso lehz... but i tink it gonna be very hard for the both of us... Hor... hahah... :P Eh RO ah... my auntie likes the pair tt the both of us bought lehz! Hahah.... she's kinda tepted to go get it aft tryin it on... hee... :P~~

My aunt was like "so wat are u gonna be wearin on tt day?" den i was "like pants n top lor" den showed it to her n she was like "hmmm... shld get smething slightly more for evenin wear..." n i was like "Huh?! this cant ah...?" she said it was ok but it wld be beta if it was of a softer material... alamak... headache sia... "RORO... SOS!!! Need to go to one of the shops at Suntec...." den showed her the denim skirt i bought... n she wsa like eh this oso not too bad to go with the black top i bought... Hmm... headache sia... oh well... still haf abt 2 weeks to tink.... :P~~

Showed her the top i bought den i was like hmmm.... shld i wear one of it to work tmw? kekek.... Roro msged me earlier to say tt the pantie we bought the other fr truimph was very compfy n all... kekeke... den i was like is it? Wokie... mayb i'll wear one of mine tmw... Haha... :P~~ den i was like so watcha wearin tmw huh? told her i maybe wearin the denim skirt i bought... : ) but not too sure yet.... haiz... was tinking of wearin one of the long sleeve tops lehz... but tt will depend on the weather tmw la... kekeke.... if its hot den i can forget abt it... tink i'll die fr heat stroke if i reali wear it manz... wat with us being at the dockin area evy lunch time.... piangz eh....

kekek.... den showed my aunt my toenails n she was like not bad... how much u paid for it n i was like "Excuse moi! I did it myself ok...." n she was like "Is it? Im impressed... do for me oso la..." Hahah... so my pedicure session started n lasted all the wat till almost 9pm... Hmm.... i must say it looked kina nice... hahaha... tink i'll do the same shade n desgn the next time... :P~~ my 2 cousines were like wats tt u're puttin... wahlauz y so many things to do wan... u sure it can last for 2 wks? At the rate mummy haf her PE n all dun tink can last... n my uncle was like aiya wat for all these? Use yr shoes den can c oredi... Goodness! MEN! Their testeron level's reali way up there siaz... wonder how my auntie can tahan being the onli woman at home... Hahaha....

Hmm... Garry msged me again jus b4 i was abt to start dinner askin me wat i was doin... but tis time there was a dear at the end of the msg... I was like Fwah! long time no c tt in his msgs wor... told him tt i was abt to start dinner n he was like so late? n i told him y n asked wat he was doing n he was like oh ok n said tt he was checkin his mails.... since i was oredi sittin at the table, told him tt i'd call him later n he said ok....

M in the midst of updatin my blog n online in ICQ... cannot tahan.... decided to chg my status to Invisible... was oso online in MSN... jus when i was abt to contiue updatin... my ex love of my life msged me.... *SiGhz* Co-incidentally... Bonnie n Clyde's playin in my winamp now! Fark! My mood suddenly changed... Here i m updatin my blog n at the same time im talkin to him.... damn it... there's so many thing i wanna say... so much difference of feelins in me now... Damn it!!!!!

*SiGh* Y the fuck is wat he's tellin me affectin me this way? Damn it! I feel depressed n wanna cry suddenly lehz... :"( Nbz manz... Chris jus said hes's very moody now n asked me how. When i probed further....he said he fell in love wif sme1 WHOM should not be in love wif.... aRgh! I m like stunned when i read tt... had to read it a few times b4 it got registered in my head... Fucker! Den i asked him who it was n he said i dun feel like mentioning... so i was like do i noe tt person n he said no. Here i was tryin to be tt "CLOSE FREN" os his askin him y he said tt he shldnt be lovin her n in my mind i was like "stop being so concerned n behavin as if this doesnt matter anyting to u"....

He was like i met her yesterday n told her evything.... n i was like oic... ok... n wat she said? Den he said tt not until yesterday did he noe tt she has a bf whose married n his wife is pregnant! I was like haiz... wat to do? Love is blind....pple will do anything for love... went on askin him if he knew her long n he said ya... i was like tinking to myself who is tt person??? n immediately someone jus flashed in my mind... i dunno y i tot of her 1st oso.... : (

Den he said he's feelin shit now... *HA!*Den he said smething which made me madder!!! He had the audacity to tell me "i tink i will jz wait for her...wat u tink??????????" Bloody farker!! I dun believe he asked me tt! Im like tinkin to myself now... "Ya rite... i maybe close to u n all but I was still yr previous love whom u sort of DUMPED! N Y? Bcos u said u neva believe in loving smeone so much n neva will believe in marriage n all tt crap! But wat the fark r u tellin me now tt u'll wait for this Bitch? n has the cheek to ask me how somemore?? Wat the fark is he tinking manz?!?" Damn it!!!

He's like now tellin me tt he's not been in a sober mind 4 many mths liao n has done everting to escape reality. Also said tt he's taken or done watever that can make him steam... i was like askin him like wat? n he said everyting except cocaine, herione & ice. He went on sayin tt oni when he's not sober than he can relax. Still can tell me he very tong ku! NB! Wat the fark he tinks i m? Some person who doesnt haf any feelins... wat the fark manz! >:-(

Asked him if he loves her alot n he said "dunno how 2 say... i tink its a mistake 4 mi lor... i shldn't haf let my feeling loose again... how????" OMG!!! I told him... "haiz... darlin i reali dunno wat to tell u lehz...." Den he asked me "u wan to noe the very true reason y i go put tattoo?" n i said "to feel the pain... n to let the pain over take the other pain." n he was lile "Yah..."... *SiGh* told him "not to be silly n asked is tt worth it?" n he said "worth or not i oso dunno....... i oso dun wan to but wat can i do... i ask her to choose between long life promises & short term... she say she wan short term cuz she very happy now..... wat can i say......" Nb manz.... im feelin worse by the second.... :"(

Den i asked him "Wat abt u? wat wld u choose den?" He said... "i tink i will jt wait....long life." I de asked him "wait for wat? u wan long life promises???" N he was like "wait till that guy leave her... yah...i oso dunno y i will wan that.... last time i not like this 1..... u noe mi..... i very scare of commitment 1.... i oso dunno....... i tink i will go crazi soon" HA! Wat the fark manz! I didnt noe wat to reply after readin all this so i jus went "i c...." n he said "Wat u c?????" n i replied "i seriously dunno wat to say... n i c wat u've jus told me.." n he is like now saying... "I starting to feel like a zombie... no feeling..... no expression... no mood change.... nothin.... i jt wk & wk.... than steam.... than try to forget everyting... I wish i can jt fall dwn n meet an accident than dun wake up.... i tink oni tis way i can feel relieve." Fuck it.... "He's spouting crap now....."

Fuck manz... i feel like im a fuckin hypocrite nw... here i m feelin like fuck n im still tryin to console him... Damn it! Still can ask if he's joinin me on fri! Damn it manz! Wat m i tinking? Hmm.... y m i feelin all these? I've gotten over him oredi wat?! I guess its jus tt fact tt he was the one who broke up with me givin me all tt crap excuses of his n now this is happenin... mayb i'm jus Bu fu.... erm... how do i say this in eng? Err.... fuck la... wat a time to get a mental block.... its like cant swollow wat has jus been said to me...

NB!!! I keep hafin tis feelin tt tt person whom i guessed is rite!!! NB! He jus simply doesnt want to tell me who! He's finally said tt i noe tt person.... but he jus doesnt wanna tell me who she is?! True i may not be able to do or change anything but tts not the point here... the point is tt i wanna noe who! No.... its more like i need to noe who she is... :"( M still askin him who she is..... i tink its more like im beggin him to tell me... nva haf so-called begged anyone in my life b4.... i cant believe tt im doin it now! Told him since he's told me 99% of it oredi y cant he jus tell me who tt person is... she makes up tt 1% tt i need to know to complete the whole story!!! He can come n tell me so wat if i tell u who she is... argh..... told him who i felt it was n he said "even if its her so wat" n when i said she i was rite.... he said "no...a promise is a promise"

Fuck it man! He can ask me y i m so irritated! Tink im losing it!!! Damn it... told him.. "u also promised me alot of things but u neva fulfilled yr promise. nw im jus askin u tis one last qn who tt person is n u cant tell me." He jus replied "sorrie..." I told him "Wats the point of sayin sorrie" n he said "i noe wo dui bu ci ni sorrie" :""(

My hunch is rite!!! Chris finally admitted who tt person was.... Fuck manz! : ( THIS FEELS WORSE DEN ANYTHING ELSE!!!! (Msged Joel but no reply... HH's aslp.... Damn it... feel like talkin to smeone...) We continued talkin... i reali need a smoke now! 1st time i feel like smokin when im at home....

Anyway, we continued our conversation... told him tt i suspected something a few months back... which was abt the same time he told me tt he realised tt he started liking her.... he asked me how come n i said a hunch at first den suspected den confirmed. But no one knew abt tis... cos i neva told anyone... not a single soul... he asked how i knew n i said "the way u treated her... u shld noe... my hunch is almost accurate wan.... tt time when we broke of i oso said its bcos of u likein another n i was oso correct when i guessed who tt ger was" den he was like "how i treat her???" n i said "differently fr last time... almost the same way of how u treated me... esp tt day at williams bday.... the way u talked to her... looked at her.... i jus felt it." Den he was like "how i look at her... how i talk to her?" n i told him... "the way u once looked at me....the same way u talked to me.... although u tried to put it in a jokin wat n all.... i jus felt it." N he jus said "Errr....i realli dunno y u feel it but i treat her normally mah." Told him tt he didnt n tt "mayb to others it may seem so but not me. i told u not to lie to me. but u kept sayin no." He den said "i nvr notice... i jt treat it normally." n i told him "its like tt..."

i started askin him abt tt ger n all... he said they've been together for the past 1 month... (i knew smething like tis wld happen... it was jus a matter of time....) Den he said tt he told her not to play with fire n he said ya. He told her tt she was at the losing end but she said she still chose him cos she is happy now... IS SHE REALI?!! Den he said "he has no comments n tt he is miserable but cannot do anyting... so making myself unsober is the best...." :"""( fark la... dunno wat to reply so came in here to pour my feelins... den he said "c i noe i shld not haf told u who... noe u must be crying.... sorrie"

Damn.... i jus cant seem to stop :"""( *suddenly tot of msgin Garry... contemplatin* Chris was like "now i make u sad..." nothing else for me to say but "nvm la" Den he was like "i make tings hard 4 her" n i asked "Y?" n he was like "i spoil u both frdship" told him "dun tink too much n y he said wat he did." den he was like "a wat now she must be very confuse" n when i said "y u say so?" he said "cuz she told mi she very guilty.... guilty towards mi... 4 wat i am doing to myself.... which i cannot help it... last nite i meet her i drank alot" Fuck... seems like evything now is him n her.... >:-(

I jus said " i c..... she din say anything else?" n he was like "today i sms her... i told her i will wait & this the last sms she will receive frm mi... i will not sms her again or call her so she can go on wif her happiness" Den i was like "den?" n he said "she jus keep telling mi sorrie & she is guilty." i was like "i c..." n he went on sayin "last sms means last sms...i dun wan tok 2 much... wat i wan to say i oredi say.... now its up to her... no 1 can help mi... even i oso cannot help myself... so jt fuck care... i oredi lost hope in everyting... now wking to mi is to stop mi frm tinking... my money i oso nvr spend much.... even going to book 4 car lesson i oso no mood... aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!..... i now no mood 4 anything... i will jt keep on putting tattoo..... putting pain on my body is the oni way i can de-stress."

Im like snooked now... told him "reali dunno wat to say to u now... sorrie"

Seriously dunno wat to tink now... my mind's blank... tink i'll jus logoff nw n go lie on my bed............