It's finally the end of the week! Been looking forward to today but now tt it's here, somehow i dont reali feel tt excited or happy anymore abt it anymore. It's like from the minute i woke up until now, which is almost 2pm, i've this feelin of sianess if there is such a word...
Feel so lethargic, bored, listless like there's nothing for me to look forward to... *siGhz* No mood to do emails oso manz... Simply sian to the max!
Sort of got irritated in the morning and i guess since then, it smehow affected my mood until now. Was supposed to haf met my baby today but as we were discussin our plans for tmw, i asked abt tonite n he simply replied "See how lor." Wahlauz... tts got to me! I was instantly irritated and immediately it woke me up from my slpiness! I was like huh? See wat? n he was like u haf anywhere u wan to go or anything u've gotta do? N when i said no he said yalor since like tt then later then we see how lor.... So wat does "SEE HOW" mean?!!? See how as in see how where to go den we confirm later? Or see how whether we meeting later or not? Or see how we discuss about it later today? Or see how WAT!?
Reali pissed me off manz....
Does it mean tt we can only meet up or even go out onli when there is smething tt either one of us wants to go or go to? It pretty much sounded tt way manz! I noe tt there's not many places to go to or stuffs to do but tt doesnt mean tt we can't meet up or wat rite? It's not an excuse or even a reason tt should be given for not meeting wat! *siGhz* I can understand tt goin out means hafin to tink of wat to do n where to go n all but tts part n parcel of evything wat... Isn't it? *HmPf* Oso noe tt meetin n goin out means hafin to spend but it doesnt mean tt we haf to spend alot oso rite? We could go to places or do stuffs tt doesnt require much spending too mahz.... Aiyoz dunno y but each time i hear the words see how onli i get aggitated.... Goodness!!! Tink its bcming smething taboo for me soon.... *siGhz*
Anyway went to work n as usual the whole place was like so quiet... already in one of my bad moods... things didnt seem to get beta when i looked at my mailbox n this person was askin me this n another was askin me another thing. Fed-up manz! To make matters worse, tt blardy Pris Tan had to approach me n tell me abt the fund collection thiny! Piangz eh! Wasnt i included in the email oso?? Dont i haf eyes to see and read the emails? Cant wait for me to pass her the money is it??? Goodness! reali got on my nerve and added on to my irritation sia! ArGh.....
Decided to go down for breakfast since i didnt haf the mood to start doin anything.... came back after tt but still didnt feel ok. Decided to email to Roro which resulted in a whole chain of email exhcanges btw us.... talked abt stuffs i wrote in my earlier entry n other things too... It's jus too long to summarise it so decided to jus copy n paste the whole chain of email below.... anyway my baby called me a few minutes ago n bcoz i was still kinda feelin screwed up, me sort of spoke to him in a rather unpleasant manner (which i regret now
) Wateva it is.... i still dunno if i'll be meeting him today or not..... *siGhz*
-----Original Message-----
From: Rachel
Sent: 16 January, 2004 9:55 AM
To: Roanna
Subject:
me so fedup with him tis morning. Haiz... woke me up den he talked abt tmw n all den i asked him if we meeting tonite den he said see how first. The moment i heard these 3 words onli me got irritated oredi... damn sickening... see how wat? wat is there to c smemore? den he say he tired n tot of restin at home today den i was like so this week u meetin me on sat onli ah? den he was like ya hor... sun leh? u free or not? n i was like i tot i told u on sun i haf to stay at home cos alot of things not done yet.... n he said smething like oh ya or like tt ah... den again he said c how la.... pissed off man... stopped talkin to him from then on.... so sickening... beginning of the week he can come n say nvm la we still can meet on fri n sat now come n tell me c how la tonite n meetin on sat mahz... irritated manz.... and r u ok or not? y u seem so quiet the pass few days? like dun feel like talkin much n all?
-----Original Message-----
From: Roanna
Sent: 16 January, 2004 10:01 AM
To: Rachel
Subject: RE:
I tink he too stressed bout his wrk, thats y probably he will ans u that way... dun b angry becoz of this.. u noe guys, when they stress, they r like dat....
yup, im okie... i read yr web on tue afternoon....
-----Original Message-----
From: Rachel
Sent: 16 January, 2004 10:15 AM
To: Roanna
Subject: RE:
dunno abt him la... smetimes can get on my nerves... haiz... now evytime when he said c how, dunno, anything, up to u esp c how i get very irritated.
i guess as much tt u read wat i wrote oso cos since then u started bcomin quiet n all... noe u not happy abt wat i said. *sigh* read thru wat i wrote yesterday n guess i was reali too harsh in wat i said but jus hope u dun mistake wat i wrote inside n tink tt i was referring evything i mentioned inside to u.... not evythin i said was referrin to u. if u not happy or dun agree abt smetings i said u can tell me. at least we wld haf cleared the air n not misunderstand anything.. tts always the problem with all of us. we tend to jus not say anything den in the end it boils down to misunderstanding. tink u noe wat our intentions are by now be it good or not la but smetimes its jus diff to agree on the same thing cos we all haf diff tinkings n ideas. but till now i still cant understand wat u doin.... tried to see it from diff angles but diff la... dunno y. like wat u said me lookin at things differently now n not as tackles as b4 but no matter from which angle i c i still cannot understand lehz.... its like the 2 pic dun add up to form 1 whole pic. u get wat i mean?
-----Original Message-----
From: Roanna
Sent: 16 January, 2004 10:58 AM
To: Rachel
Subject: RE:
i understand that all of u r concerned bout me.. and u r rite when u say all of us haf diff thinkings, thats y i did not say anything bout what u wrote on yr web... i still havent gone back to him.. we behave like couple but no obligations at the moment towards each other. althou previously i say i wont go back to him but now im tinkin bout wat i say again... i dun wan becoz of pride, i lose someone that loves me alot... he is trying very hard now and i can see that.. its not that im too soft hearted but i realise that we should have haf tried to wrk things out first before deciding to tok bout break up.
Its hard to realli find someone who loves u alot, thou pple may say its easy to find.. Its easy to find a bf but to find someone who realii loves u is very hard.Im so tired now coz everyone expects me to do the correct things or wat they tink its the best.
Its like u haf this perfume u like and everyone tells u its not suitable and it doesnt smell nice, but the thing is i do like it alot even though its cheap and cant be compared to those expensive ones. Kelvin may not be what i realli wan for a husband or bf but i noe that he realli loves me alot..
When i first read yr web, i noe u will be angry coz after so much that u all have done for me... but i was really hurt from the way u tok bout me... the way u say is like i have done a terrible mistake and im such a fucked up person. The thing is i have not done anything wrong, i am not goin out with a married man or have snatch someone else bf... Im single, kelvin is single, so even if we go back together, there is still nothin wrong... frankly speakin, i was very angry when i first read bout yr web, but after that i was realli very very disappointed (Maybe u feel that way bout me too) on the first 3 sentences of yr last paragraph... that 3 sentences make me feel like im not even a fren to u and that i felt insulted.. it like we been frens for many years but those few sentences erase completely all of our friendship...
newi, u wrote wat u feel so i dun haf any rite to say anything.. maybe what i say contradicts what i say last time but its my life, so i can chg my mind anytime i wan...newi, currently, i still wont go back to him until he can provide what i wan..
woa, cant belive i write so much hor...kekeke...
-----Original Message-----
From: Rachel
Sent: 16 January, 2004 11:37 AM
To: Roanna
Subject: RE:
Hmm.... ya cant believe u wrote tis much. Anyway wat u mention abt behavin like a couple but no obligation tt part. Tts the thing i dun understand cos i saw wat u guys did at the traffic light before u crossed over to heeren n walked to paragon. Tts the whole part tt i dun understand cos first u say u guys not together then u behave like u r n den u say no obligations. its like evything dun make sense at all. u get wat i mean? Its like if in the first place u r not gettin back with him, den y behave tt way? If u r behaving tt way den might as well jus get back together. I mean it u r still pinning hope on him n all which i noe u r cos u seem like it den jus get back together n work things out properly n all n dun say no obligations n all cos indirectly in one way or the other sooner or later u will still end up with him. its onli a matter of time. U gt way i mean?
i noe how u feel, the tiredness n wat u say is correct abt being fortunate enaf to find sme who reali loves u n all n not jus a bf or wat. u're oso rite tt its easy to find a bf or a fling or wateva but to reali find smeone who loves u, tts difficult. Tts y in a way i feel like smehow u oso fear tt once u totally let go of kel u fear tt u wont eva find another guy who will reali reali love u. Rite? I felt tt way too u noe when i ended things with chris. but i guess smehow it was a blessin tt i found garry. maybe he's the 1 all along since he;'s always been there for me silently. maybe he isnt. i will also neva noe if he reali is the one or not n if he reali loves me n all but for the time being from the things he say n does i jus hope he is. also wont noe wat it'll be like if things turn out the other way. will i be able to let go this time n get over it i oso wont noe. jus let things take its own course lor.
understand wat u tryin to say in your long long email below. true tt evyone dun c things the same way n tt we each haf our own thinkin n all. True tt u r single n he is single n not married ( I noe who u refering to here...) or seeing someone else so u both haf every rit to behave like a couple like b4. Dun get me wrong but i feel tt if u reali want to be with kel n wan him to chg n all, dun u tink its beta to work things out as a couple? i mean go thru evything together as a couple. There is a diff goin thru things as a couple comapred to wat u are doin now, behavin like a couple but with no pbligations, u noe.... I mean in a way there is an obligation oredi jus tt its not shown out front. Get wat i mean or not? alamak i confusin myself oredi.....
Like wat i told u before lor.... its yr decision n yr life. how u want to let it move on is all in yr hands onli u can control tt.... No one else can affect it. Like wat my dad alsways nag at me, we can nag n nag at u, console n advice u all the time, but at the end, U R the sole decision maker in evything. No matter wat even if we dun agree on yr decisions or wat, we R still yr best n close frenz. No matter how we strongly disagree or r against yr decisions or wat, at the end of the day, aft u've made up yr mind n decision, we will still be behind u supporting u. so even if or when u shld happen to fall or wat, u noe tt we will be behind supporting u n softening tt fall be it a hard on or jus a minor one. U understand? I maybe blunt n harsh n wateva u want to call it la but no matter wat u decide or choose i will back u up 200% wan. I SUMPA (even if i strongly disagree on it la :P BUT jus for u I WILL) I believe tt the others oso tink n feel the same way as i do.
Noe wat i said is reali harsh n blunt n like wat u said tt was how i felt at tt point of time. Noe tt when u read it u'd either be reali angry n pissed at me, hurt disappointed n upset or worse u wont feel anything. but hope u wont take it to heart. like wat u said u did not do anything wrong nor haf u committed any crime or wat. so all the more u shldnt feel belittled or fucked up. Most impt is to stand tall n proud den other wont be able to step onto u n despise u. tt way u wont feel zhi bei.... fuck man how to say this word in english? damn... suddenly mental block!
Erm.... i tink u misinterpreted my 1st 3 sentence. I wasnt referring to u. when i wrote my entry tt day i was disappointed, angry n all with wat i saw but it wasnt totally channelled at u. tt few sentence was referring to kel... i noe im bad n i shld haf said wat i did but u noe me... when i worked up im reali blunt n all... terrible la... but I DEFINATELY wasnt referrin to wat i mentioned to u hor.... said tt cos we tot tt u might want him to come along at tt time. Not tt i dun want him to come n all la... jus tt u r not with him Now so i dun see the point for him to come unlike if u r with him... u noe wat i mean nt? Alamak.... how will i eva describe u the way i did in tt few sentence? Aiyoz... if i reali did, u being so fragile n all skali read oredi den suddenly jus break into bits n pieces den how sia... wait no one to irritate me or talk to me or console me anymore den i wont haf anyone to gossip with n complain to abt zhi n her dickson manz... worse still kena scoop n clean up after u smemore u noe.... kekek... i guess in a way this whole incident may haf brought us closer (I hope) n tt we noe n understand each other even more lor... anyway there is neva a stop when it comes to learning or understanding things in life... it jus tt complex n complicated.... piangz eh... me write so long n no do emails sia...
-----Original Message-----
From: Roanna
Sent: 16 January, 2004 12:10 PM
To: Rachel
Subject: RE:
sigh... actualli dat dae, i felt quite happy with him and it felt like being a couple back again.. but when we go over to paragon, he ask me to go back to him, but i rejected him.. its like i dun wan to say that i have gone back to him coz he still havent provide me with i wan yet...its like i wan him to work hard to earn me back and not take things for granted. and these few weeks we realise that everything we did is too routine thats y our lives is so borin, so we went to do things that we never did before like goin to sentosa, go geylang, chinatown to eat etc... But i told him that i will give him another chance...
u are also rite when u say bout behavin like couple but no obligation etc, me understand what u are trying to say.. me olso confused about what im tinkin..sigh..
sorrie, for misunderstandin u coz me tot that u are referrin to me about that specimen thingy and dunno wat shit of mankind... me realli tot u were referrin to me thats y me felt very hurt althou me know that im an alien..kekekek....
me noe that all of u guys r realli concerned bout me and the support that u all have given me...thats y me didnt want to tok about yr web thing..newi, its all a misunderstanding...sorrie... thanks for being there to listen to me, consolin and supportin me all these while and me will always be there for you too.:D.
sigh... now the hardest part is tell my mum coz my mum will go crazy if she hear that im givin him another chance, so another hurdle to cross....
-----Original Message-----
From: Rachel
Sent: 16 January, 2004 12:35 PM
To: Roanna
Subject: RE:
can see u were happy when with him tt day. we're not blind oso lor... there is alot of diff in yr outlook n behaviour during this period.... u oso noe u both very routine n boring ah? tot u didnt noe manz... kekek.... cant understand how u even managed to tahan for 4yrs tt way sia... evytime ask u to go east coast or whereva with us oso u all dun wan... haf to do diff stuff mah den it wont be tt boring. spore oredi so small if dun try n do diff things or go diff plcs den reali can die fr boredom u noe.... tts y ask u tt day want go with us to kallang waterfront or nt.... far den far lor.. LL wat to do? me oso like tt now... maybe can go ubin oso... quite fun the last i went even though not fully redeveloped yet unlike now la.... me oso sianz cos he stayin so far n even when we meet oso dunno where to go cos so late oredi... weekday like tt weekend oso the same. *siGhz* evytime oso go the same place, do the same things oso damn boring.... he ask me this morning if i haf anywhere to go n i said no den he come n tell me c tonite how lor.. later den talk abt it... piss me off again man! felt like kena slap in the face... aiya fun talk abt this oredi....
U haf to tink n decide properly when u wan to get back with him since u oredi told him tt u'll be giving him another chance. dun wait he tink u both will get back soon den he onli wk hard now... eh but is he doin anything now abt his wk or not? he oso gotta seriously sit n tink wat he want to do n which line n all lor. evything in life oso stress wan its how u handle the challenges when u come face to face with it lor... if he continue like tt hw is he supposed to suppolrt u when u both get married? rite? so haf to reali talk it out properly... if necessary to chg the type of job n all den so be it lor... cant help it oso mah rite.... haiz... talk so much abt him we both oso the same thing still stuck here... stupiak sia... :P
if u reali decide tt u wan to be with him dun let him noe when yet.... make him work reali hard to earn u back. but u oso gotta make sure tt he is workin hard not onli jus to get u back den when u're back with him den he slack again. he has to continue workin hard thruout or else it will jus go back to square one again. n u've reali gotta c tt he's doin smething abt it..... most imptly in his JOB n future or else things will reali reali be difficult u noe. not onli for the both of u but oso btw u n yr parents. At least if he reali does smething abt it n maintain it at tt level den u haf a strong hold in proving to yr parents tt he can take care of u n tt both of u will get on fine being together. Tink the most crucial thing for yr mum is tt she must see tt he is trustworthy and capable. He must prove to her tt he is capable of lookin after u. Afterall u are her onli child lehz... she wont wan to haf to worry for u yr whole life n also after they've passed on rite.... u definately oso won want them to worry too much oso mahz....
Piangz eh so much said in all the emails now i dunno how to update my blog oredi.... kekek... was talkin to zhizhi the pass 3 days tt ive been out with her. told her we dun talk much in ofc now n she ask y. told her must be u read my blog oredi n she said so she didnt say or explain anything ah? jus told her nope n said doubt u will want to talk abt it since u didnt bring up this topic at all n u behaving kinda hostile oso.. den she said is it? n i was like yeah... aiya nvm la... after a while we will talk abt it den things will be cleared up oredi... den as usual la u noe her will haf lots to say.... dunno how come oso... reali damn auntie sia... kekek.... i need to go pee.... u wanna go? if not i'll go first...
-----Original Message-----
From: Roanna
Sent: 16 January, 2004 12:40 PM
To: Rachel
Subject: RE:
okie, lets go toilet...
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